Anastasia (Golden Films) - Phelous

Oh, hey. I was just reading a more realistic Russian tale than any adaptation of Anastasia is, really. Yeah, that's right, Russia did "The Turtles meet Batman" WAY before it was cool! Or authorized, but--(groans) ...Alright, let's move on to our next adaptation of Anastasia, by Golden Films. Why? [Rasputin's villain song] Why do I have two of these again? Alright, there are kinda 3 different levels to Golden Films releases.

[Phelous] First you have their earlier releases with GoodTimes, that were put out as American Investment Corporation, which are probably some of their best, even if they did have that haphazard scoring going on, with like Little Mermaid. I wish I had known that their first Beauty and the Beast was like Golden Films' pinnacle. Plus, it did give us a certain OLD individual that everyone loves. [Phelous] "Whoa, whoa, whoa, ain't this some Beauty and the Asswipe or somethin'?" "Tale as old as--oh shit, that's the other one.

Ah, who gives a fuck?" "Gonna go piss on those flowers!" Ah, what would we do without Clara? (Stammering) What the...? [Phelous] Their last batch from around the early 2000's, like Miracle in Toyland, which at the very least seemed to have ditched using the classical music in inappropriate places, HOWEVER, would still overpower the dialogue with their background tracks, which still weren't very well picked out. But what seems to have been their worst period (imitating Dr. Heiter from Human Centipede) WAS THE! MIDDLE PIIIIIEEEEEEEEECCCCCEEE. [Phelous] These movies were released under the Sony Wonder and Enchanted Tales banner.

If there's one thing these ones are good at, it's always taking INANE BULLSHIT to the next level. Golden Films even has a special website up for their Enchanted Tales releases, which contains activities. And guess what? It's jigsaw puzzles and coloring! Yeah, they totally Midas Interactive/Phoenix Games-ed it up. The coloring book is just screencaps from the movies with a Photoshop filter on it to up the contrast and make them black and white, which of course, gets really mucky on some of these.

Oh, and they totally forgot to actually add the Photoshopped pics for the last couple of screencaps on the Anastasia one, so...It's just blank. "Draw them yourself! What an activity!" "These tales are SOOOO-OOOOO ENCHANTED!" You all know how much I "LOVED" what they did to The Hunchback of Notre Dame as part of this series, so let's see how they bastardized Anastasia. [Audio from the movie] (Tchaikovsky's Trepak starts) (little girl's voice) It's wonderful, Papa! Immediately starting off with misuse of classical music for scoring! Well, I suppose "WONDERFUL" is ONE way to describe it! [Audio from the movie] Oh, I love it, Papa! And I love you so much! [Phelous] Ha ha, good thing everything is gonna turn out just fine for Anastasia and her family! And you know they're gonna handle this subject well when we are immediately treated to "gigantic cake" hijinks! [From the movie] Oh, my masterpiece! (Classical music and cartoon sound effects) [Phelous] Some believe it was this chef who orchestrated the shooting of the Romanovs to avenge his cake. Heh heh, that's awkward because they were real people...

But when you put them in goofy fairy tales with wacky sidekicks, I begin to question what reality even IS anymore. [From the movie] I wish we can always be together and happy! [Phelous] "And I also hope that there's NEVER a takeover of the country" "and that I end up being the sole survival of a royal execution!" [Movie] (singing with a 30 year old woman's voice) Come with me, and we'll run like the wind! Oh yeah, that's a little girl's voice, for sure! [Movie] (characters singing) The neverending circle of family and friends, are the blessings that will live for all of tiiiiiime! (All of tiiiiiiime!) UGH! These songs are just terrible! Seriously, the tunes in UAV's "Secret of Anastasia" were at least a LITTLE catchy compared to this crap! [Phelous] (singing) The hills are deeeeaaad with the murder of muuuuuu-siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic! (Talking) Wait, is Anastasia like a zombie or something in this one? Those are some dead-looking lips. But luckily for her, I suppose, her lip color is extremely inconsistent. You might be thinking: "Wow, this version sure is meandering around a lot" "before getting to the usual Anastasia survival tale." And yep, you are right! We aren't getting to THAT for a while in this one.

We do eventually get that classic Anna Anderson-inspired escape of the family's execution, but that's not until THIRTY MINUTES IN of this FIFTY MINUTE MOVIE. [Phelous] Golden Films' Anastasia was actually released in the same year as the Don Bluth version, 1997, but it did actually beat it out to release, coming out earlier in the year, so I'm sure they were RUSSIAN to get this crap out quick, and it sure shows, with the majority of the animation looking rushed and a lot of the runtime feeling like filler. [Movie] (over Tchaikovsky's Dance of the Reed Flutes) Ooh, a royal egg! (Classical music continues) (gasp) Oh, it's so beautiful! [Phelous] Hear all the classical music made to feel droning as they are thrown into the background of cruddy cartoons without care! I know I've mentioned it before, but them haphazardly scoring their movies like this makes them feel like they drag on EVEN LONGER than they actually do! [Movie] Thank you, everyone! I've always wanted a Faberge egg! [Phelous] "THAT'S RIGHT, WE KEPT LIVING CREATURES TRAPPED INSIDE EGGS AND BOXES" "WITH NO AIR TO BREATHE!" [Movie] (annoying voice) Open the egg already! I ain't got all day! Oh, boy, it's about time! I've been cooped up in that rotten egg all day! Oh, I think I'm molting! Heh heh heh--yeah, you wanna put them back in there for a couple more hours? [Movie] What's wrong with you people, anyway? (Cartoon sound effects) Okay, what are you staring at? GET ON WITH IT!!! [Phelous] Yes, we got our crappy overblown annoying sidekick characters for Anastasia in these three birds. Apparently, Golden Films just HAD to add these EVERY TIME during this period, like with the stupid-ical instruments in the Hunchback and the three ghosts in their second Beauty and the Beast, one of which has the exact same voice as this asswipe bird.

[Movie] (laughs) You're funny! Funny? I-I'm funny? Oh, that's great. All of a sudden I'm Mr. Funnybone here, the King of Comedy! Oh, that's great. Ha, that's kinda like that Joe Pesci "HOW am I funny?" Speech, but dumber.

At least all the kids will appreciate the Goodfellas reference, though. [Movie] (over stupid cartoon noises) You're kidding, right? THAT'S the tsar? [Phelous] HOW LONG CAN THIS GO ON?!? I HATE YOU, MOVIE!! [Movie] (CHOMP!) Hmm, tastes like chicken! (Over pointless cartoon sounds) Well, nice to meet you, Your Majesty. At your service and all that royal stuff. Papa, Mama, I love them so much! [Phelous] WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!?!? Anyway, bird shenanigans go on for the next few years, I shit you not.

But then, Anastasia decides she should take her sick brother Alexei out in the cold. [Movie] Oh boy, this is trouble! Don't make me side with the annoying bird! [Phelous] Why are there people just spinning in a circle in the palace courtyard? [Movie] I wonder how they play so joyously when they don't have food or coats or...Or decent shoes? [Phelous] At least looking down on the lower class was included in this version. And the circle spinners are apparently everywhere. [Movie] Boys, boys, boys.

That's all you two ever think of! (Cartoon noise) Hey, hey, hey! I'm eating here! Oh! Food! He was trying to eat BEFORE he knew it was food? [Movie] (gasp) [Phelous] Yeah, you still gotta try a little less with your gasps to get to Beauty levels, Annie, but... I don't know what she expected to SEE in the tavern. "DRUNK PEOPLE?? Drunk people at a BAR????" However, while drunk Rasputin is kinda off, I never knew that he also had a drunk dog. [Movie] Oh boy, the Bolshevik's night out! What a party! Hahaha--(hiccups without any movement) (no talking) (hiccup they actually animated) Bolshevik's party, get it? Hehe--(HIC!) Kids be LOVIN' the drunk dog humor.

[Phelous] Rasputin's design in this is very odd. The lines around his eyes look like glasses. I seriously wasn't sure if he was supposed to be wearing some or not through a lot of this movie. However, Rasputin WAS always known for his mismatching eyebrows.

[Movie] (classical music and cartoon noises) Anastasia! We've been looking for you everywhere. Come with me, your father wants to see you. YIKES! (More classical music that doesn't fit) (more cartoon noises that don't fit) C'mon! Let's go! (More classical music and cartoon sounds) [Phelous] This is just so lazy I can't stand it, Golden Films apparently thought just random cartoon sound effects would fix the lack of mood they gave anything by not caring how they jammed in their background tracks with no rhyme or reason to them. It's just such a cluttered mess when the dialogue and actions, music, AND sound effects are all pulling the thing in a different direction, so the viewer's self-defense mechanism kicks in, making you tune out! [Phelous] This movie almost DEFIES you to try and watch it.

If you DARE try to pay attention, you'll pay for it! [Movie] (Now Swan Lake is playing) (gasp) [Beauty gasp] [Movie] Your mother has met a healer who we think can help your brother. [Phelous] Well, this is at least what Rasputin actually DID in reality... ...At least the tsar THOUGHT he was helping to heal Alexei, which is why Rasputin held such favor with the Romanovs. [Movie] Hmph, you say you can cure my son? Well, get on with it, man.

[Phelous] "Is my son cured yet? I can't believe he isn't cured yet! BORING!" [Movie] (less convincing gasps) [Phelous] Hmmm...Getting better, AKA worse. But yeah, I'm very sure faith healing always includes a little light show. That was almost like SORCERY. Wonder where they got an idea like THAT? Rasputin isn't gonna be pulling a whole lot MORE of that stuff, though, so, they just needed a little dash of it, you know? [Movie] Alexei! [Killdozer review reference] YOU STINK! YOU STINK! YOU STINK! YOU STINK! [Movie] You've been to the village alone, Anastasia! [Phelous] We're just...Moving past Alexei's little light and smoke cure? Not even gonna mention if it WORKED? "Oh yeah, Alexei is dead.

I do not like Rasputin AT AAAAAAAAALLLLL." "SO accurate!" [Movie] You have a heart of gold. The Imperial Double-Eagle Medal! I'll wear it over my heart always. Guess what's gonna be used to stop the bullet? Try not to be surprised! [Movie] For bravery, for courage beyond that of most normal chickens, I accept this medal! Hey, don't *I* get one? (Sad cartoon SHWOO-ooop!) I think another part of me just died. [Movie] (Over Trepak again) The royal family no longer appreciates my food! Next thing you know (sound effect), old Pierre will be kaput-sky! (Sound effect) Out on the streets! Out of a job! (Sound effect) Disaster! Well, if you ask me, it's a little too rich! And too salty! I hate everything right now.

[Phelous] Glad we had TWO versions of Anastasia do the "Sebastian and the chef"-like scene with the goofy tagalongs. I never realized that was such a necessary part of the Anastasia story! [Movie] (male voice) These documents tell when the tsar's troops are shipping out. (Rasputin's voice) How can I betray his majesty's trust? I'll make it worth your while. Does THIS do the trick? [Phelous] MAYBE you shouldn't make plans to overthow the tsar in HIS PALACE, and with an OPEN DOOR! They might as well have left a sign: [Movie] Oh, it's light.

[Phelous] Oh, yeah, Rasputin can hypnotize as well, so if you want to count that as some more powers, I guess he does have some magic left in him. I'm also glad in this version, Rasputin healed up Alexei, then Tsar Nicholas said "Hey, thanks. I might not like you much, but here's my military plans. Please don't betray me, 'kay?" Anyway, Anastasia and one of her sisters go over to a military hospital to help the wounded.

THAT happened, FOOOOR SUUUURE! But it's all worth it for Annie to meet her love interest. [Movie] Uh, my name's (slight pause) Anna. And yours? Aleksandr. Aleksandr Tchaikovsky.

[Phelous] Uhh, maybe that's a reference to Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, who's music they keep MISUSING, or it's a reference to the Anna Anderson story, as she said a man named Tchaikovsky helped her escape Russia. Now get a load of this cut! So smooth! Not blurry at all! Um...So it seems Anastasia has kinda forgotten to TELL anyone about overhearing those plots to overthrow her father. Oh, well. That's not a big deal, won't lead to anything unfortunate.

She's got more important things to worry about anyway, like romancing dummies in the hospital. [Movie] (Anastasia's sister) I wonder what's going on? [Phelous] Yeah, I'd just casually wonder that as soldiers THROW A PATIENT OUT ON TO THE STREET! [Movie] (Anastasia) I-I have to get in there! C'mon! [Phelous] "Oh, they said nothing. Let's give up, we're just ROYALTY anyway!" [Movie] (Swan Lake playing loudly) Aleksandr! What's going on? [Phelous] "I'm turning into a swan!" [POOF!] (Phelous making swan noises) [Movie] (gasp) The Bolsheviks are clearing us out. The nuns have given us peasant clothes, so they won't know we're soldiers of the tsar.

[Phelous] What? That's not an issue! You can wear the uniform of the deposed tsar for like 20 years and no one will care AT ALL. [Movie] Where will you go? Shouldn't you be a little more concerned about YOU and your family's situation if they're trying to hide their allegiance to your father? [Movie] All of my family is gone, except for old Uncle Boris. Maybe I'll visit him...Or maybe not. [Movie] Will I ever see you again? [Phelous] "Noooo! I'm shrinkiiiiiing!" [Movie] (crowd) Freedom for the people! End imperial cruelty! Death to the tsar! [Phelous] "And now, let's just react to something that clearly wasn't put in." Good thing it was really easy for Anastasia and her sister to get back home through that little RIOTING CROWD over there.

[Movie] The people are revolting everywhere! I wonder what happened to Aleksandr? PRIORITIES, ANNIE! [Phelous] Oh, they gave Aleksandr peasant clothes so that he could NOT wear them, he's smart. [Movie] Where in the world did she get this? Anastasia...? PRINCESS Anastasia! I seriously thought he had figured that out a couple scenes ago. Heh heh...Well, he's even exceeded my expectations for his stupidity. [Movie] She's the daughter of the tsar, isn't she? Mm-hm! I finally find the girl of my dreams, and I'll never be able to marry her! Because I'm just a peasant.

[Phelous] "I mean, unless her father gets deposed. I can only hope, heh heh heh!" But oh, man, here we go with the SUPER ACCURATE: Rasputin leading the people in their charge to overthrow the tsar! Rasputin was murdered well before the deposing of the tsar, and it happened because people were angry with how much power he held with the royal family. So yeah, basically, this is 100% correct! [Phelous] NOW we get to see a variety of absolutely HORRID crowd shots! I mean, seriously, look at this! LOOK AT THIS!! "WE SURE DO LOVE HAVING THE PALACE STORMED!" "AAAAH! WE DIED AS WE LIVED: STUPIDLY!" At this point in the movie they've spent so much time with the entire Romanov family you almost think they're gonna have them all survive somehow. But, nope! THAT'd be historically inaccurate! And we wouldn't wanna add one MORE thing to the pile! [Movie] The tsar has been toppled! The people rule! You're free to go; you are no longer part of the tsar's army! [Phelous] Yeah, Russian Paul Revere riding around to say "THE REVOLUTION IS COMING!" Seems like a plausible depiction of how these events went down.

They also had the calmest looting ever. "What'd you do today, honey?" "Oh, not much. I helped overthrow our tsar." "Got a free painting out of it, too." [Phelous] Time for ACTION ALEKSANDRRRRR. As he pulls a classic uniform switcheroo! Luckily for him, none of the other soldiers stationed with this guy he's pretending to be ever actually looked at his FACE before.

[Movie] A true revolutionary! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" "I love being casual!" [Movie] Where do you think Aleksandr is tonight? [Phelous] Anastasia just really isn't invested in that whole "Father deposed and under house arrest" thing, she has bigger things to worry about, like "Do you think Aleksandr figured out who I am even though I basically TOLD him already?" [Movie] (singing) Every time I close my eyes, [Phelous] Well, it's time for Anastasia's "I'm a choppily animated alien!" Song. Heh heh--it blows. [Movie] (male voice) With the tsar's troops already in Germany-- [Phelous] (derpy laugh) [Movie] (over Night on Bald Mountain) Go in and take Moscow! Moscow...Such a clumsy name, not lyrical at all. How about...Rasputinsburg? Ugh...(Facepalm) [Phelous] Well, I suppose that's an appropriate response, but you'd better extend that to the fact that you even EXIST, drunken comical relief dog! And the rest of the movie, really.

Why is Rasputin the one in charge now? He was working for "it's-a me, Evil Russian Mario!" Before this scene, but now everything's (sudden Fresh Prince reference) FLIPPED, turned upside down! [Movie] "Release the Romanovs"? Ha, that's rich. (Evil laugh) Have the royal family shot! (Evil Russian Mario) Shot? But-- DO IT! *I* AM IN CHARGE NOW! Oh, I didn't realize that he said "I'm in charge now!" And everyone else just said "Yeah, okay!" NOW it makes sense. [Movie] The party's over! Tonight the royal family shall be executed. Oh, I wonder where they're taking us? Maybe our summer palace, or abroad to England! This movie is so tone-deaf.

[Movie] (over Flight of the Valkyries) You'll be more comfortable in the basement, uh, while we bring the wagons around. Thank you. [Phelous] Oh, wait, I spoke too soon. Flight of the Valkyries is the perfect tune for the execution of the Romanovs.

[Elmer Fudd clip] (singing to Flight of the Valkyries) Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit! [Movie] (a bird chirping) Dmitri! [Phelous] "I'd know his annoying tweets anywhere! Time to unfollow him." [Movie] Uh...I'll be right back, I forgot something. Really? She's just allowed to duck out from the execution for a sec'? [Movie] You can't go down there! I've got to, Father's waiting. Meet me outside. In a few minutes we can finally  be together! "Noooooo.

Doooooooon't. Eh, I tried." [Phelous] It's just life and death, no need for Aleksandr to really INSIST in this case that Anastasia not go down there. [Movie] (Rasputin singing) Come now, comrades! Taste your freedom! Russia is ours! Now savor the power! (Sigh) I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. [Phelous] But hey, look, more cruddy crowd shots, and they even managed to make them jumpy.

What a treat. These are the faces of people happily liberated. Totally NOT dead inside aaat aaaaaaallllll. However, I AM really impressed with Rasputin's walking in place here as they break into the palace they already have control of.

[Movie] (singing) Sing, sing, now the peasant is the kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnng. (Talking) Now Rasputin is the king! You just OVERTHREW your king equivalent! The WHOLE POINT was they DIDN'T WANT ANOTHER-- (quick little episode) Suffice it to say, they did not overthrow the tsar, then make a new person tsar, especially someone ALREADY DEAD. [Movie] The tsar is dead! [Phelous] That's the movie's first real confirmation that the execution did in fact go down, by the way. They just thought throwing us into a Rasputin "We are free from the tsar, now I'M the tsar" song first was better to keep with this movie's horrid pace! [Movie] (crowd) Long live Rasputin! Fools! Shut up! HA! [Movie] I'll take this one and meet you in the forest.

Ah, I appreciate it, comrade. I am tired from this truly heavy burden. [Phelous] "Killing people is exhausting, but it sure does keep a smile on my face!" [Movie] Oh, Anastasia...What have they done to you? (Sobbing) Well, sadly enough, that would be more realistic... [Phelous] In some of the "Anastasia survives" stories, it goes that one of the soldiers took pity on her after realizing she wasn't dead, so I guess that's maybe what they're trying to reflect here with Aleksandr dressed as one of the soldiers-- that's probably giving them too much credit.

So, the dumbass and the birds eventually realize what the movie obviously telegraphed a lifetime ago, and that was that the medal caught the bullet meant for Anastasia. This is one of the other few things in this horrid little cartoon that actually does reflect reality as the Romanovs had sewn into their corsets jewelry to try and hide it from their captors. And yeah, it did actually apparently repel some of the bullets at first. Oh no! Anastasia's a fraud! This is Rasputin's daughter! [Movie] Who are you? Where are you taking me? Don't you...Remember your family? No.

Don't you remember anything? No. Amnesiastasia! THAT seems like a necessary thing to tack on... [Phelous] Now, I don't wanna shock you guys, but there is a particular other telling of the Anastasia story that has an amnesia plot. [Movie] Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, let me see now, where I put my shoes? I know I had them here somewhere! Tone whiplash? What's THAT? [Phelous] So yeah, the double-A's are heading off to live it up with Aleksandr's Uncle Boris, who has the power to go super cock-eyed gone super cock! [Movie] Oh, forget it! HO HO HO HO! Oopsky poopsky! I bonked my little headsky wedsky! He also has the power to never shut the hell up, because we needed TWO characters doing that.

[Movie] And she can't remember anything? That's right. Well I'll be hog-tied! (Oink oink oink!) [Phelous] What? Stupid Orson here can't talk like the birds? Better read some more books, you idiot pig! [Movie] (same "OH HO HO HO HO HO HO!" Laugh 3 times) I appreciate you putting us up, Uncle Boris. [That exact same clip] [Clip from earlier] The party's over! [The same clip yet again] [Movie] Listen chubby, she's with me--! OH HO HO HO HO HO HO! [Phelous] That really wasn't an edit by me this time, by the way, after looping his laugh three times during that first run, they really did it ONE MOOORE TIIIIIIME! Now we get to see Aleksandr and Anastasia romancing it up, take 2, because it was so good the first time. But now it's amnesia-style, so it's even more annoying, like "the last season of Chuck" annoying! Oh, wait, no, I DON'T remember that season happening.

SELECTIVE AMNESIA! [Movie] Would you marry me, my Princess Anastasia? [Phelous] "Well, the only other guy I can remember at this point is your stinky uncle, so okay!" [Movie] (high pitched laugh that Phelous loops several times) ...Aleksandr, oh, uh, take this woman...? ANNA! "ANDERSON!" "Oops." [Phelous] So this sham of a marriage happens, and you're just BEGGING for this damn thing to end at this point, BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! They have a kid! Why? I don't know, it's just more STUFF to add! [Movie] She's starting to wanna know about her family. [Phelous] "I thought I'd marry her before I actually tell her anything that might help jog her memory," "Heh heh, PRIORITIES!" At least Aleks is thinking of it now, only a few years and one kid later. [Phelous] The double-A's go on a little trip back to Russia and the now boarded-up palace, because that wouldn't be an ill-advised little trip at all, if anyone recognized her in Rasputin-burg. But those stupid eggs, which were dropped when Aleksandr saved her, and just no one ever thought "hey, I could probably sell those," are what jogs her memory.

Guess the birds that were actually INSIDE those eggs weren't quite as memorable. [Movie] I remember everything now! THE END! And I'm not joking, either. [Phelous] They totally ignore the fact that Anastasia getting back her memory would mean she just remembered her family was murdered, they just act like this is a happy moment and roll right into the credits with a song. Wait a second, "Screenplay by Libby Hinson and Charles Martinet"? The "voice of Mario" Charles Martinet? Yup, apparently so, and on IMDb this is the only thing he has a writing credit for, so...

"OOOH! MAMMA MIA!" That bit of strangeness aside, and if the rest of the ill thought-out things in this movie weren't enough for you, don't forget, we just totally left Russia in control of Rasputin! There's NO resolution for that. It's just like they ran out of movie! If only they used their runtime to actually resolve the story instead of just having obnoxious jackasses never shut the hell up and watch the Romanovs meander around! [Rasputin's villain song starts] (singing) Come now, comrades! Taste your freedom! There is no more tsar of reviews! (Evil chuckle) (talking) Now *I* am the tsar of reviews! (Evil laugh) I must be stopped! [Silence] No? [Outtro music] "I finally got my memory back! "Hope I didn't do anything stuuu...Piiii...Oh, shit!".