The Secret of Anastasia - Phelous
Another "Secret of" movie? Well, I sure hope it's that Anastasia grows wings and was possibly an angel the whole time. Spoilers: it's DUMBER. Maybe... [Extremely generic music from this movie] What, are these multiplying? Alright, before we get started here, I should point out, there are A FEW historical inaccuracies in The Secret of Anastasia.
I'll list them out: EVERYTHING. [Phelous] Okay, there's some basic parts of history, like the shooting of the Romanovs, but that's about it. This is obviously more of a UAV cash-in on Don Bluth's Anastasia movie, which was also a fairy tale set around these events. Pretty much most adaptations of Anastasia are about as historically accurate as Daffy Duck hitting Hitler over the head with a mallet.
Fortunately... ...Or maybe UNfortunately, depending on how you wanna look at it, this version does NOT turn Rasputin into a sorcerer. He couldn't even be bothered to appear in this one. He was too busy taking care of Harry Potter and Gandalf.
[Phelous] IMMEDIATELY, this movie displays some really poorly thought-out ideas as they try to play the deposing of Tsar Nicholas II and the murder of the Romanov family as almost COMEDIC. [Audio from the movie] Once upon a time... Isn't that what all the great narrators say? In this really enormous place called Russia, which was cold a lot, but actually very beautiful, there lived this tsar. In Russia, tsar is like a king.
Are we all on the same page? Oh, it's nice that the movie's IMMEDIATELY talking down to you. Like, "you deserve to be belittled for watching The Secret of Anastasia!" [Audio from the movie] And this tsar's name was Nicholas II. And this tsar, who was really nice, once you got to know him-- [Phelous] Yes, he was really unpopular because he was just too nice. Also, we're condensing the family down a bit here, because it helps the stupid "secret" at the end.
[From the Movie] Princess Anastasia! (Pronounced with all long a's) And I guess were saying it "Ana-STAW-sia" instead of "Ana-STAY-sia." "But actually it SHOULD be said that way--" I don't care. [From the movie] This family all lived happily in this fantastic house: the Imperial Castle of Moscow. [Phelous] I assume this is meant to be Alexander Palace, which is the last spot the tsar ruled from before being deposed. This, however, is NOT where the execution actually took place, as they were moved before that.
But this movie does...Nicely semi-depict their deaths via shadows, and Anastasia somehow is hidden in a HALLWAY. They also copied the Bluth film in that they made Anastasia a little girl during this event when in reality she was already 17. But that's hardly one of the sillier things in this movie, THIS IS, as they have Anastasia stay in the palace for almost 20 years, while she's being hunted for by what I think is the Communist Party, but the movie just refers to as "The Secret Police." Well, I know ONE thing that these guys definitely are, and that's extremely incompetent not to find Anastasia squatting in the very place that they lost her! For almost TWENTY YEARS! [Phelous] It's not like she's even really hiding in there, she's just parading around the place! [From the movie] Well, Gufinov, (fake laughter) Gufinov? Well, that's a real cute name for someone who wants to plug the title character with bullets! [Phelous] Russian Cobra Commander is a real genius at work though, as he's FINALLY thought of checking this place, and brought ONE other man, named GUFINOV. [Movie] (female voice singing) Though the winter grows bitter cold, and bright days are done, [Phelous] I see why they never found her here for so long.
Just keep singing out the window, it helps hide you! And who's helping her along in her little ill thought-out tune? TALKING MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS! Well, that worked out SO WELL when they did it in the Golden Films Hunchback movie, but I'm sure UAV did it better. [Movie] It was her! Old Syrupy Strings over there, she's always dragging the tempo! NOPE, I HATE IT! It's probably a little better. [Movie] To play music is to live. To live is to suffer.
[Phelous] ARE you living? ARE YOU?!?! [Movie] But such a sad song. I'm feeling sad a lot lately. I don't know why. [Phelous] Hmm, I don't know, COULD have something to do with living in the run-down palace your family was MURDERED IN.
And ain't that real cute how this movie just dumps living instruments on us and acts like that's normal. No comment at all from Anastasia about how or why these showed up, that might have actually been a good use for the stupid overly-casual narrator, rather than "LOOK AT THIS! SUPER PERFECT FAMILY, YOU DUMB SHIT AUDIENCE!" "THEY WERE THE BEST! THEN THEY DIED! OH NOES!" Well, if that drum was living, I guess it's NOT anymore. [Movie] (laughing) Aw, that's cold, Ann Anderson...Whoops... [Phelous] SUPER DEAD! [Movie] Oh, poor Tuba.
[Movie] I love you all so much! [Phelous] Anastasia DID love making out with harps, that's the one part of the story that they got right. [Movie] One day, you may have to go on without us. No! Never! Never say never, my dear. [Phelous] "Or else they'll make a movie that's just taking the piss out of you for saying it." [Movie] I feel as though I have no idea who I am.
A fraud. [Phelous] Maybe whoever Fake-astasia really is, she's related to Voldemort, 'cuz she does share his lack of a nose. But all dumb things must come to an end, as the so-called Secret Police finally find Anastasia living it up in the palace that was abandoned for no real reason, but I guess still had a 20 year's supply of food! Unless Anastasia sent the instruments out on food runs. [Movie] Did you hear that, Master? Voices! Footsteps! That's gotta be her, you hear me? Gotta be her, gotta be--OOF! [Derpy tuba folk music Phelous added] Well, if Anastasia had survived, I'm pretty certain THAT was the most believable story of how she would have escaped.
[Movie] (the cello) Why not try getting your big wheezy head off my bow? We're traveling incognito, so keep your voices down from now on. What's troubling you, dear? [Phelous] "Nothing is bothering me! This entire situation is PERFECT!" Geez, even for a harp, that's pretty damn dense! [Movie] What has happened, Mother Harp? [Phelous] I don't know how to break this to you, Anastasia, but YOU'RE NOT A HARP. Don't worry, that line will make more AND less sense later. [Movie] Don't cry! [Phelous] Oh good, a pervert in a trunk! That seems trustworthy! [Movie] Who are you? I am General Vladimir Vasilianov Ikonovich, at your service! I remember an Ikonovich.
He seems perfectly harmless to me. [Phelous] Did you think I was joking that they'd trust the weirdo locked in a trunk? Oh, you! [Movie] General...In the dreaded steamer trunk army? In the tsar's imperial forces, if you must know. Oh! Well, I kinda got bad news for you, buddy. Like, just twenty-some years ago the last tsar of Russia was kinda killed! [Phelous] "WELL, I THOUGHT I SAW FACES ON DEM INSTRUMENTS OVER THERE, BUT I GUESS NOT!" Ana-stawsa-stay-sia does hide the fact she's travelling with living instruments from Vladimir, so she DOES know that they're abominations, it's just that the movie didn't think it was worth addressing.
[Movie] Have we met before? [Phelous] Well, if they did, it was when she was, like, FIVE, so obviously THEY'RE gonna get together! Pssh, worked for Star Wars. Oh, wait, no it didn't... [Phelous] Vladimir was the name of one of the con artists from the Bluth version, however, THIS Vladdy looks like his partner in crime, Dimitri, just with a mustache added. He's basically gonna fit into that same role, but I guess he really was a suitcase soldier back in the day.
I guess he just missed the last twenty-so years. Probably 'cuz he was in a suitcase. [Movie] I did not mean to offend, Miss...? Anastasia. Oh, you're good.
You even happen to look a little like she would have looked. [Phelous] "You even stare goofy-eyed motherfuckers in the chest instead of making eye contact," "just like SHE would!" [Movie] I suppose you don't know there was a Princess Anastasia Nikolaevna Romanov, long since presumed dead. And I suppose YOU don't know that YOU should have moved on and stopped wearing the uniform and declaring yourself a soldier of the long since deposed tsar FROM A TRUNK! [Movie] And I suppose you're further unaware that 10 million pound sterling, the entire Romanov fortune, lay in a bank in Copenhagen, awaiting her return. [Phelous] This is another element directly lifted from the Bluth movie, right down to the 10 million number, though it was Anastasia's grandmother offering 10 million RUBLES for her granddaughter's return.
I don't know why they made it POUNDS here. They say the bank's in Copenhagen, and they don't use POUNDS there, either. [Movie] 10 million? I thought more! [Phelous] "He can't see our eyes if they're only at 50% opacity," "Or hear us from only a couple feet away!" [Movie] But with my help, guidance, and expertise, I just might be able to pass you off as Anastasia. But I AM Anastasia.
Yes! You keep on telling yourself that! (The accordion) What a major loser! [Phelous] Pretty sure you could have come to THAT conclusion a little sooner! [Movie] (the cello) He is shifty, he is rude, [Phelous] But he is one dude who forgot his attitude! [Movie] Then here's the deal, Princess. I take you to Copenhagen, put you up in a nice hotel, pay for your meals, clothes, everything, and train you in the ways of royalty. [Phelous] "Clearly I can afford to pay for all this when I can't even afford a train ticket!" [Movie] I'll only take 60%. 10%! 40%! Tell you what, 20%! Deal! Hey...
Who the...? What the...? [Clip from The Time Machine (I Found at a Yard Sale)] WHAT THE. [Movie] I...Throw my voice. [Phelous] "And sometimes I sound like a tuba!" "WHAT THE HELL? A LIVING TUBA!!" [Movie] Why is a former princess travelling alone on a train? Yeah...They're gonna keep using the term "princess," but Anastasia in reality was a Grand Duchess. They didn't HAVE princesses in Russia.
If it wasn't for THAT mistake, this would have been the perfect movie. [Movie] TICKETS! (Vladimir) The conductor! [Phelous] "I always check the luggage car for people's tickets!" "Sometimes stowaways have them! Doesn't make any sense!" [Movie] C'mon, jump! It's the only way! Wait! My instruments! You know, some girls just carry a lucky charm bracelet around with them wherever they go. They can't reveal they're sentient to Vladders, because... They're...Saving it.
[Movie] Why must you carry them with you wherever you go? [Phelous] Chop, chop, chop! Perfect animation! [Movie] Careful, young man, or I'll have you fired! Does this tuba really have the authority to do that? [Movie] You're welcome. (No talking, just music) (same music continues) [Phelous] Poor Vlad could only afford to get Annie the most luxurious suite at the hotel, so it's time to make him pay for that with a large room service bill! [Movie] We want some caviar! Not that orange stuff, but the real expensive red kind! On little toasty wedges! And we'll have some smoked salmon, braised duck...Oh, and how many kinds of Bellini do you have? Vodka! [Phelous] So these musical instruments eat? Well, that just adds a shit-ton of questions. How did they manage to keep five people fed while hiding out in that palace? But most importantly, where does it go? If they eat, they must create waste. It has to come out somewhere.
Does the tuba crap from its mouthpiece? Hope no one actually plays him. And, uh...How does the harp defecate? Where can it even come out? Does it just kinda slide along her strings? Eugh! Ugh, wait, does it have to come out the front hole on the violin girl? Why am I focusing so much on this? MOVE ON! [Phelous] Anyway, the best part of the Anastasia story is always how she gorged herself on room service along with living musical instruments! I sure am surprised most versions omit this! [Movie] You eat more than the Russian army, and I should know. I can explain. [Random clip] I CAN EXPLAIN! [Movie] No need.
I've been hungry before. After the Revolution, I had nothing. [Phelous] "But my fortunes changed when I started saving money by riding in luggage!" "I guess..." Either that or the dead tsar sure pays him well. [Movie] The very first thing you must learn is how to hold your head.
I intend to hold it on top of my neck. Becoming a princess takes more than a clever way with a punchline. (A full four counts without talking) (singing) Posture-- Ooh, that was a Dingo Pictures level of awkward pause there! I'm very impressed! [Movie] (singing) Chest out a bit! Now grin a bit! Stick out that noble chin a bit! No, that's a bit too far. [Phelous] Oh good, a song lesson about how to act like a princess.
Glad that won't make anyone think of any OTHER version of this. I really don't get this, either. If Anastasia DID survive, why would she be up on any of these royal things at this point? They'd know she must have survived either in hiding or as a commoner, so acting royal should just come off too try-hard-y. [Movie] (both singing) Things are looking sweetly hazy, 'cuz I like him/her more and mooooooooo-oooooore! "We just sang in front of each other that we have an attraction, but that doesn't mean we actually heard it!" But she heard the beginning part of the song where he was teaching her stuff.
Tch... It's like musical interludes aren't very realistic. [Phelous] Oh, there's the Kelsey Grammer Vladimir from the Bluth movie...Kinda. [Movie] Just another desperate attempt to get in the Romanov fortune! Pompous windbag, never could stand the man! Why do these instruments know people and stuff like this? Oh, yeah, because they're not being very subtle about this movie's "secret." [Movie] Now, when you curtsy to the duke, allow him to-- (Anastasia) Take my hand and-- [Phelous] Did Vladders just break his back or did the drugs finally kick in? He is gone...
So this is a "Let's see if this is actally Anastasia" party, which everyone seems very unconvinced of, so I really don't know why they're going through the motions. But Anastasia impostors is the other true thing that's actually in this movie. There are around ten accounts of people claiming to have been her. [Phelous] The most famous impostor was Anna Anderson, who cast enough doubt with people that a DNA test was even performed after her death, but this showed that she had no relation to the Romanovs.
Anna Anderson's story, though, is the basis for most Anastasia adaptations like this and the Bluth film. It wasn't until 2007 that what most believe to be the remains of the real Anastasia were found. I think people just like romanticizing the idea that someone survived the Romanov execution, which has kept the Anastasia story going. [Movie] She's like a fairy tale princess! Nice of you to SPELL THAT OUT for us, harp! [Movie] If only there were a prince.
[Phelous] "Oh wow, an obviously evil guy! LET'S TRUST HIM!" [Movie] Where is my royal assistant Gufinov? Is Gufinov...Goofin' off again? We understood his also punny name already, asswipe, and thanks for giving away who YOU are already! [Phelous] I know I joked that he's obviously evil-looking, but you could at least try not to give it away that he's Russian Cobra Commander in his first SECONDS of screentime! But oh, he's a prince, and his lack of charm obviously means Anastasia is taken with him, and has made her completely forget about old Vlad-stache. [Movie] But you remembered to bring my heart. Lucky you... Indeed.
It has been lost for so long-- [Phelous] Um, okay, Annie, you were denied. Holding the kiss pose WAY past the awkward point doesn't make it turn back around for you. She held the closed-eyes kissy face for eleven seconds, by the way. On a more serious note, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, bleh, bleh, bleh...
Russian Cobra Commander takes Anastasia on dates! Clearly he couldn't just execute her while he's got her alone like this. [Audio from Lion and the King] MY GOD! [Phelous] But oh man, that wacky Gufinov! He just wants to do a little executing! Ha ha, what a perfect character to make a bumbling oaf! [Movie] I know Prince Paul's heart. He's the one getting me an audience with the Dowager Empress! The "Dowager Empress" would be the harp you're talking to right now--I mean your dead mother. [Movie] (Vladimir) Oh, what can you see in that...Oil slick! This General Ikonovich is becoming a major pain.
Something I can do for you gentlemen? Well... That was surprisingly more violent than I was expecting the stupid living musical instrument version of Anastasia to get. [Phelous] The Dowager Empress as they call her in this one is Anastasia's grand-mama, and she's the final boss between Anastasia and the family fortune! This is again a scene ripped right from the Bluth version where she had to prove herself to her grandmother. [Movie] My heart has been broken in peices.
The pieces carried away by a trail of charlatans exactly like yourself! Now I see that you are nothing but a scared old woman! You won't believe because your heart is closed-- [Phelous] "Whaa-!" (Groaning in pain) "You ARE the real Anastasia! She always was a klutz!" Nah, of course they copy the Bluth version of this scene right down to her grandmother not believing Anastasia until she sings a song that only Anastasia would know. [Movie] It's her! Yes! It is. And you two can finally be married! Married? [Phelous] "You've been living it up on the sweet single life way too long, Annie." "Ugh, now that I'm gonna marry that guy, I don't like him anymore!" "I'd only hold my lips out for an awkward FIVE seconds for him at this point!" [Movie] (Vladimir) Married? Are you crazy? Well...He asked. Well, that doesn't mean you have to say yes! She has...NO questions about the Vlad-zone's face getting rearranged? [Movie] What do you know about him, except that he's a prince? What more do I need to know? He's a prince, I'm a princess.
[Phelous] (sounding like he's in another room) "GRAND DUCHESS, YOU IDIOT!" [Movie] Anastasia, it's not like you to speak this way! I'm having dinner with the prince. If you'll all excuse me... We've created a monster! [Phelous] "LET'S KILL HER!" Hey, did you ever want to see that Sebastian and the chef scene from Disney's The Little Mermaid redone with an accordion? Ha ha, well, neither did I, but that's life for you. I just wish a lovely accordion dinner could have been cooked.
[Movie] Do not move! No, of course not. We want the girl. Paul? I'll come and rescue you. Oh man.
Will he really rescue her? Good thing we don't know who he actually is yet. [Movie] Paul, make them let me go! Paul? Paul? Do you see any "Paul" here? (Evil laughter) The real Prince Paul was taken care of years ago in anticipation of this very day. [Phelous] So a major part of this story is Anastasia proving that she is in fact royalty, but as an aside, a Russian soldier murdered a prince and seamlessly took his place with no questions asked just as a way to kill Anastasia! That seems remarkably well thought through. A+, A+.
[Movie] (evil laughter) (music starts) (singing) If you want the picture of a charming prince, I take the cake! (Singing) "but if I do a crappy villain song, you'll forget what an asinine plan this was!" (Talking) "Right?" [Movie] (singing) Reality is, things aren't always what they seem! [Phelous] Yeah, sure, that clothing change made sense. And I'm sure this reveal would be really shocking to Anastasia if she knew what your Russian Cobra Commander look WAS, but she never met you dressed like that until now! Oh, and he's actually turning into a snake, just like the GI Joe movie. (While chuckling) That was a good twist, everyone liked that. [Movie] Can I use the heat on her, Chief? CAN I? CAN I? CAN I--OOH! HA HA! That murderous Gufinov, what a scamp! [Movie] What has happened to Anastasia? Oh, she's been kidnapped.
Harps can't talk... But of course she can, dear man, so can I! The tuba? [Phelous] Yep, they can just easily talk to Vladimir. There was no reason for them not to until this point, other than building up his little non-reaction to it. And only now can the stupid-ical instruments actually be PROACTIVE in the story! [Movie] Paul has Anastasia! What? Where? When? [Phelous] Oh, watch out, you're gonna squeeze the crap right out of him! [Movie] So you mean to tell me you made me carry you all the way from Moscow to Copenhagen and you instruments can WALK? "You also mean to tell me you could have cleared up Anastasia's identity right away?" "WOW! Everything's so poorly thought out! How impressive!" [Movie] It's time for a little recital.
[Phelous] Wow, he's literally blowing it up his own ass. Luckily, the Communist Army is no match for a one-man band. [Movie] Let's do it! Get them! Get them! Bulls-eye! C'mon, that was perfect! I had to. [Voice Siro from Mortal Kombat Conquest] Ah-wah? [Movie] I don't care about the money, only you! I've been such a fool! I've loved you from the start! [Phelous] "Except for those parts where I didn't love you." [Movie] I wanted to take you back to Russia alive, so you could be hanged in your homeland.
"And I don't care if you think this looks awkward, it's not!" "REALLY!" [Phelous] If he wanted to take her back to Russia to be hanged, he still could have done that much earlier! Out the window, and impostor Prince Paul dies! ...Eventually, I guess. Though this is apparently the most deadly water ever, as this little drop and like TEN seconds in the water has apparently killed Vladdie-poo. Seriously. [Movie] Don't go, Vladimir! Don't go! I'm going to lose him! Oh, why did it have to be water, the Wicked Vladimir of the West's weakness? [Movie] We must tell her.
But that will mean... It is time. Oh yeah, it's about time for the stupid secret, isn't it? (Weak laugh) [Movie] You love him that much? I love him more than my own life! Then we can save him. How can that be? Have you ever wondered who we were, Anastasia? [Phelous] "You know, now that I think about it," "you guys are a little weird!" [Movie] Don't tell her! We'll have to go if you tell her! We are your family, Anastasia! [Beauty gasp] [Movie] I was your mother Alexandra.
Your brother Alexei, your sister Tatiania, and your father, Tsar Nicholas II. You didn't hide it very well, having her call you MOTHER HARP! But yes, there you go! The secret was the Romanovs were turned into musical instruments after they were executed! Just... Keep in mind, these were real people! I just... Wow...
[Phelous] Now that the Romanovs have revealed themselves, they can use their magical healing powers to revive Vladimir before they go. Because, you know, why wouldn't THAT be a thing? (Distressed laugh) You are really seeing this. Some people in the world seriously thought THIS was a good idea. The "Secret of" series: "We put the most asinine twist on any story we touch!" But now, I must reveal MY secret! That's right! I was really Phelous D1 the whole time! Yeah, bringin' THAT one back! Can we just...Not? I'M A MAGICAL BOOM BOX! WHO COULD I BE? (Gasp) It must be the last Tsar of Reviews...
Actually, the real secret is I don't care! DONE! [Outtro music] Oh, Phelous D1, did you turn into a cat AGAIN? You are the worst..
I'll list them out: EVERYTHING. [Phelous] Okay, there's some basic parts of history, like the shooting of the Romanovs, but that's about it. This is obviously more of a UAV cash-in on Don Bluth's Anastasia movie, which was also a fairy tale set around these events. Pretty much most adaptations of Anastasia are about as historically accurate as Daffy Duck hitting Hitler over the head with a mallet.
Fortunately... ...Or maybe UNfortunately, depending on how you wanna look at it, this version does NOT turn Rasputin into a sorcerer. He couldn't even be bothered to appear in this one. He was too busy taking care of Harry Potter and Gandalf.
[Phelous] IMMEDIATELY, this movie displays some really poorly thought-out ideas as they try to play the deposing of Tsar Nicholas II and the murder of the Romanov family as almost COMEDIC. [Audio from the movie] Once upon a time... Isn't that what all the great narrators say? In this really enormous place called Russia, which was cold a lot, but actually very beautiful, there lived this tsar. In Russia, tsar is like a king.
Are we all on the same page? Oh, it's nice that the movie's IMMEDIATELY talking down to you. Like, "you deserve to be belittled for watching The Secret of Anastasia!" [Audio from the movie] And this tsar's name was Nicholas II. And this tsar, who was really nice, once you got to know him-- [Phelous] Yes, he was really unpopular because he was just too nice. Also, we're condensing the family down a bit here, because it helps the stupid "secret" at the end.
[From the Movie] Princess Anastasia! (Pronounced with all long a's) And I guess were saying it "Ana-STAW-sia" instead of "Ana-STAY-sia." "But actually it SHOULD be said that way--" I don't care. [From the movie] This family all lived happily in this fantastic house: the Imperial Castle of Moscow. [Phelous] I assume this is meant to be Alexander Palace, which is the last spot the tsar ruled from before being deposed. This, however, is NOT where the execution actually took place, as they were moved before that.
But this movie does...Nicely semi-depict their deaths via shadows, and Anastasia somehow is hidden in a HALLWAY. They also copied the Bluth film in that they made Anastasia a little girl during this event when in reality she was already 17. But that's hardly one of the sillier things in this movie, THIS IS, as they have Anastasia stay in the palace for almost 20 years, while she's being hunted for by what I think is the Communist Party, but the movie just refers to as "The Secret Police." Well, I know ONE thing that these guys definitely are, and that's extremely incompetent not to find Anastasia squatting in the very place that they lost her! For almost TWENTY YEARS! [Phelous] It's not like she's even really hiding in there, she's just parading around the place! [From the movie] Well, Gufinov, (fake laughter) Gufinov? Well, that's a real cute name for someone who wants to plug the title character with bullets! [Phelous] Russian Cobra Commander is a real genius at work though, as he's FINALLY thought of checking this place, and brought ONE other man, named GUFINOV. [Movie] (female voice singing) Though the winter grows bitter cold, and bright days are done, [Phelous] I see why they never found her here for so long.
Just keep singing out the window, it helps hide you! And who's helping her along in her little ill thought-out tune? TALKING MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS! Well, that worked out SO WELL when they did it in the Golden Films Hunchback movie, but I'm sure UAV did it better. [Movie] It was her! Old Syrupy Strings over there, she's always dragging the tempo! NOPE, I HATE IT! It's probably a little better. [Movie] To play music is to live. To live is to suffer.
[Phelous] ARE you living? ARE YOU?!?! [Movie] But such a sad song. I'm feeling sad a lot lately. I don't know why. [Phelous] Hmm, I don't know, COULD have something to do with living in the run-down palace your family was MURDERED IN.
And ain't that real cute how this movie just dumps living instruments on us and acts like that's normal. No comment at all from Anastasia about how or why these showed up, that might have actually been a good use for the stupid overly-casual narrator, rather than "LOOK AT THIS! SUPER PERFECT FAMILY, YOU DUMB SHIT AUDIENCE!" "THEY WERE THE BEST! THEN THEY DIED! OH NOES!" Well, if that drum was living, I guess it's NOT anymore. [Movie] (laughing) Aw, that's cold, Ann Anderson...Whoops... [Phelous] SUPER DEAD! [Movie] Oh, poor Tuba.
[Movie] I love you all so much! [Phelous] Anastasia DID love making out with harps, that's the one part of the story that they got right. [Movie] One day, you may have to go on without us. No! Never! Never say never, my dear. [Phelous] "Or else they'll make a movie that's just taking the piss out of you for saying it." [Movie] I feel as though I have no idea who I am.
A fraud. [Phelous] Maybe whoever Fake-astasia really is, she's related to Voldemort, 'cuz she does share his lack of a nose. But all dumb things must come to an end, as the so-called Secret Police finally find Anastasia living it up in the palace that was abandoned for no real reason, but I guess still had a 20 year's supply of food! Unless Anastasia sent the instruments out on food runs. [Movie] Did you hear that, Master? Voices! Footsteps! That's gotta be her, you hear me? Gotta be her, gotta be--OOF! [Derpy tuba folk music Phelous added] Well, if Anastasia had survived, I'm pretty certain THAT was the most believable story of how she would have escaped.
[Movie] (the cello) Why not try getting your big wheezy head off my bow? We're traveling incognito, so keep your voices down from now on. What's troubling you, dear? [Phelous] "Nothing is bothering me! This entire situation is PERFECT!" Geez, even for a harp, that's pretty damn dense! [Movie] What has happened, Mother Harp? [Phelous] I don't know how to break this to you, Anastasia, but YOU'RE NOT A HARP. Don't worry, that line will make more AND less sense later. [Movie] Don't cry! [Phelous] Oh good, a pervert in a trunk! That seems trustworthy! [Movie] Who are you? I am General Vladimir Vasilianov Ikonovich, at your service! I remember an Ikonovich.
He seems perfectly harmless to me. [Phelous] Did you think I was joking that they'd trust the weirdo locked in a trunk? Oh, you! [Movie] General...In the dreaded steamer trunk army? In the tsar's imperial forces, if you must know. Oh! Well, I kinda got bad news for you, buddy. Like, just twenty-some years ago the last tsar of Russia was kinda killed! [Phelous] "WELL, I THOUGHT I SAW FACES ON DEM INSTRUMENTS OVER THERE, BUT I GUESS NOT!" Ana-stawsa-stay-sia does hide the fact she's travelling with living instruments from Vladimir, so she DOES know that they're abominations, it's just that the movie didn't think it was worth addressing.
[Movie] Have we met before? [Phelous] Well, if they did, it was when she was, like, FIVE, so obviously THEY'RE gonna get together! Pssh, worked for Star Wars. Oh, wait, no it didn't... [Phelous] Vladimir was the name of one of the con artists from the Bluth version, however, THIS Vladdy looks like his partner in crime, Dimitri, just with a mustache added. He's basically gonna fit into that same role, but I guess he really was a suitcase soldier back in the day.
I guess he just missed the last twenty-so years. Probably 'cuz he was in a suitcase. [Movie] I did not mean to offend, Miss...? Anastasia. Oh, you're good.
You even happen to look a little like she would have looked. [Phelous] "You even stare goofy-eyed motherfuckers in the chest instead of making eye contact," "just like SHE would!" [Movie] I suppose you don't know there was a Princess Anastasia Nikolaevna Romanov, long since presumed dead. And I suppose YOU don't know that YOU should have moved on and stopped wearing the uniform and declaring yourself a soldier of the long since deposed tsar FROM A TRUNK! [Movie] And I suppose you're further unaware that 10 million pound sterling, the entire Romanov fortune, lay in a bank in Copenhagen, awaiting her return. [Phelous] This is another element directly lifted from the Bluth movie, right down to the 10 million number, though it was Anastasia's grandmother offering 10 million RUBLES for her granddaughter's return.
I don't know why they made it POUNDS here. They say the bank's in Copenhagen, and they don't use POUNDS there, either. [Movie] 10 million? I thought more! [Phelous] "He can't see our eyes if they're only at 50% opacity," "Or hear us from only a couple feet away!" [Movie] But with my help, guidance, and expertise, I just might be able to pass you off as Anastasia. But I AM Anastasia.
Yes! You keep on telling yourself that! (The accordion) What a major loser! [Phelous] Pretty sure you could have come to THAT conclusion a little sooner! [Movie] (the cello) He is shifty, he is rude, [Phelous] But he is one dude who forgot his attitude! [Movie] Then here's the deal, Princess. I take you to Copenhagen, put you up in a nice hotel, pay for your meals, clothes, everything, and train you in the ways of royalty. [Phelous] "Clearly I can afford to pay for all this when I can't even afford a train ticket!" [Movie] I'll only take 60%. 10%! 40%! Tell you what, 20%! Deal! Hey...
Who the...? What the...? [Clip from The Time Machine (I Found at a Yard Sale)] WHAT THE. [Movie] I...Throw my voice. [Phelous] "And sometimes I sound like a tuba!" "WHAT THE HELL? A LIVING TUBA!!" [Movie] Why is a former princess travelling alone on a train? Yeah...They're gonna keep using the term "princess," but Anastasia in reality was a Grand Duchess. They didn't HAVE princesses in Russia.
If it wasn't for THAT mistake, this would have been the perfect movie. [Movie] TICKETS! (Vladimir) The conductor! [Phelous] "I always check the luggage car for people's tickets!" "Sometimes stowaways have them! Doesn't make any sense!" [Movie] C'mon, jump! It's the only way! Wait! My instruments! You know, some girls just carry a lucky charm bracelet around with them wherever they go. They can't reveal they're sentient to Vladders, because... They're...Saving it.
[Movie] Why must you carry them with you wherever you go? [Phelous] Chop, chop, chop! Perfect animation! [Movie] Careful, young man, or I'll have you fired! Does this tuba really have the authority to do that? [Movie] You're welcome. (No talking, just music) (same music continues) [Phelous] Poor Vlad could only afford to get Annie the most luxurious suite at the hotel, so it's time to make him pay for that with a large room service bill! [Movie] We want some caviar! Not that orange stuff, but the real expensive red kind! On little toasty wedges! And we'll have some smoked salmon, braised duck...Oh, and how many kinds of Bellini do you have? Vodka! [Phelous] So these musical instruments eat? Well, that just adds a shit-ton of questions. How did they manage to keep five people fed while hiding out in that palace? But most importantly, where does it go? If they eat, they must create waste. It has to come out somewhere.
Does the tuba crap from its mouthpiece? Hope no one actually plays him. And, uh...How does the harp defecate? Where can it even come out? Does it just kinda slide along her strings? Eugh! Ugh, wait, does it have to come out the front hole on the violin girl? Why am I focusing so much on this? MOVE ON! [Phelous] Anyway, the best part of the Anastasia story is always how she gorged herself on room service along with living musical instruments! I sure am surprised most versions omit this! [Movie] You eat more than the Russian army, and I should know. I can explain. [Random clip] I CAN EXPLAIN! [Movie] No need.
I've been hungry before. After the Revolution, I had nothing. [Phelous] "But my fortunes changed when I started saving money by riding in luggage!" "I guess..." Either that or the dead tsar sure pays him well. [Movie] The very first thing you must learn is how to hold your head.
I intend to hold it on top of my neck. Becoming a princess takes more than a clever way with a punchline. (A full four counts without talking) (singing) Posture-- Ooh, that was a Dingo Pictures level of awkward pause there! I'm very impressed! [Movie] (singing) Chest out a bit! Now grin a bit! Stick out that noble chin a bit! No, that's a bit too far. [Phelous] Oh good, a song lesson about how to act like a princess.
Glad that won't make anyone think of any OTHER version of this. I really don't get this, either. If Anastasia DID survive, why would she be up on any of these royal things at this point? They'd know she must have survived either in hiding or as a commoner, so acting royal should just come off too try-hard-y. [Movie] (both singing) Things are looking sweetly hazy, 'cuz I like him/her more and mooooooooo-oooooore! "We just sang in front of each other that we have an attraction, but that doesn't mean we actually heard it!" But she heard the beginning part of the song where he was teaching her stuff.
Tch... It's like musical interludes aren't very realistic. [Phelous] Oh, there's the Kelsey Grammer Vladimir from the Bluth movie...Kinda. [Movie] Just another desperate attempt to get in the Romanov fortune! Pompous windbag, never could stand the man! Why do these instruments know people and stuff like this? Oh, yeah, because they're not being very subtle about this movie's "secret." [Movie] Now, when you curtsy to the duke, allow him to-- (Anastasia) Take my hand and-- [Phelous] Did Vladders just break his back or did the drugs finally kick in? He is gone...
So this is a "Let's see if this is actally Anastasia" party, which everyone seems very unconvinced of, so I really don't know why they're going through the motions. But Anastasia impostors is the other true thing that's actually in this movie. There are around ten accounts of people claiming to have been her. [Phelous] The most famous impostor was Anna Anderson, who cast enough doubt with people that a DNA test was even performed after her death, but this showed that she had no relation to the Romanovs.
Anna Anderson's story, though, is the basis for most Anastasia adaptations like this and the Bluth film. It wasn't until 2007 that what most believe to be the remains of the real Anastasia were found. I think people just like romanticizing the idea that someone survived the Romanov execution, which has kept the Anastasia story going. [Movie] She's like a fairy tale princess! Nice of you to SPELL THAT OUT for us, harp! [Movie] If only there were a prince.
[Phelous] "Oh wow, an obviously evil guy! LET'S TRUST HIM!" [Movie] Where is my royal assistant Gufinov? Is Gufinov...Goofin' off again? We understood his also punny name already, asswipe, and thanks for giving away who YOU are already! [Phelous] I know I joked that he's obviously evil-looking, but you could at least try not to give it away that he's Russian Cobra Commander in his first SECONDS of screentime! But oh, he's a prince, and his lack of charm obviously means Anastasia is taken with him, and has made her completely forget about old Vlad-stache. [Movie] But you remembered to bring my heart. Lucky you... Indeed.
It has been lost for so long-- [Phelous] Um, okay, Annie, you were denied. Holding the kiss pose WAY past the awkward point doesn't make it turn back around for you. She held the closed-eyes kissy face for eleven seconds, by the way. On a more serious note, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, bleh, bleh, bleh...
Russian Cobra Commander takes Anastasia on dates! Clearly he couldn't just execute her while he's got her alone like this. [Audio from Lion and the King] MY GOD! [Phelous] But oh man, that wacky Gufinov! He just wants to do a little executing! Ha ha, what a perfect character to make a bumbling oaf! [Movie] I know Prince Paul's heart. He's the one getting me an audience with the Dowager Empress! The "Dowager Empress" would be the harp you're talking to right now--I mean your dead mother. [Movie] (Vladimir) Oh, what can you see in that...Oil slick! This General Ikonovich is becoming a major pain.
Something I can do for you gentlemen? Well... That was surprisingly more violent than I was expecting the stupid living musical instrument version of Anastasia to get. [Phelous] The Dowager Empress as they call her in this one is Anastasia's grand-mama, and she's the final boss between Anastasia and the family fortune! This is again a scene ripped right from the Bluth version where she had to prove herself to her grandmother. [Movie] My heart has been broken in peices.
The pieces carried away by a trail of charlatans exactly like yourself! Now I see that you are nothing but a scared old woman! You won't believe because your heart is closed-- [Phelous] "Whaa-!" (Groaning in pain) "You ARE the real Anastasia! She always was a klutz!" Nah, of course they copy the Bluth version of this scene right down to her grandmother not believing Anastasia until she sings a song that only Anastasia would know. [Movie] It's her! Yes! It is. And you two can finally be married! Married? [Phelous] "You've been living it up on the sweet single life way too long, Annie." "Ugh, now that I'm gonna marry that guy, I don't like him anymore!" "I'd only hold my lips out for an awkward FIVE seconds for him at this point!" [Movie] (Vladimir) Married? Are you crazy? Well...He asked. Well, that doesn't mean you have to say yes! She has...NO questions about the Vlad-zone's face getting rearranged? [Movie] What do you know about him, except that he's a prince? What more do I need to know? He's a prince, I'm a princess.
[Phelous] (sounding like he's in another room) "GRAND DUCHESS, YOU IDIOT!" [Movie] Anastasia, it's not like you to speak this way! I'm having dinner with the prince. If you'll all excuse me... We've created a monster! [Phelous] "LET'S KILL HER!" Hey, did you ever want to see that Sebastian and the chef scene from Disney's The Little Mermaid redone with an accordion? Ha ha, well, neither did I, but that's life for you. I just wish a lovely accordion dinner could have been cooked.
[Movie] Do not move! No, of course not. We want the girl. Paul? I'll come and rescue you. Oh man.
Will he really rescue her? Good thing we don't know who he actually is yet. [Movie] Paul, make them let me go! Paul? Paul? Do you see any "Paul" here? (Evil laughter) The real Prince Paul was taken care of years ago in anticipation of this very day. [Phelous] So a major part of this story is Anastasia proving that she is in fact royalty, but as an aside, a Russian soldier murdered a prince and seamlessly took his place with no questions asked just as a way to kill Anastasia! That seems remarkably well thought through. A+, A+.
[Movie] (evil laughter) (music starts) (singing) If you want the picture of a charming prince, I take the cake! (Singing) "but if I do a crappy villain song, you'll forget what an asinine plan this was!" (Talking) "Right?" [Movie] (singing) Reality is, things aren't always what they seem! [Phelous] Yeah, sure, that clothing change made sense. And I'm sure this reveal would be really shocking to Anastasia if she knew what your Russian Cobra Commander look WAS, but she never met you dressed like that until now! Oh, and he's actually turning into a snake, just like the GI Joe movie. (While chuckling) That was a good twist, everyone liked that. [Movie] Can I use the heat on her, Chief? CAN I? CAN I? CAN I--OOH! HA HA! That murderous Gufinov, what a scamp! [Movie] What has happened to Anastasia? Oh, she's been kidnapped.
Harps can't talk... But of course she can, dear man, so can I! The tuba? [Phelous] Yep, they can just easily talk to Vladimir. There was no reason for them not to until this point, other than building up his little non-reaction to it. And only now can the stupid-ical instruments actually be PROACTIVE in the story! [Movie] Paul has Anastasia! What? Where? When? [Phelous] Oh, watch out, you're gonna squeeze the crap right out of him! [Movie] So you mean to tell me you made me carry you all the way from Moscow to Copenhagen and you instruments can WALK? "You also mean to tell me you could have cleared up Anastasia's identity right away?" "WOW! Everything's so poorly thought out! How impressive!" [Movie] It's time for a little recital.
[Phelous] Wow, he's literally blowing it up his own ass. Luckily, the Communist Army is no match for a one-man band. [Movie] Let's do it! Get them! Get them! Bulls-eye! C'mon, that was perfect! I had to. [Voice Siro from Mortal Kombat Conquest] Ah-wah? [Movie] I don't care about the money, only you! I've been such a fool! I've loved you from the start! [Phelous] "Except for those parts where I didn't love you." [Movie] I wanted to take you back to Russia alive, so you could be hanged in your homeland.
"And I don't care if you think this looks awkward, it's not!" "REALLY!" [Phelous] If he wanted to take her back to Russia to be hanged, he still could have done that much earlier! Out the window, and impostor Prince Paul dies! ...Eventually, I guess. Though this is apparently the most deadly water ever, as this little drop and like TEN seconds in the water has apparently killed Vladdie-poo. Seriously. [Movie] Don't go, Vladimir! Don't go! I'm going to lose him! Oh, why did it have to be water, the Wicked Vladimir of the West's weakness? [Movie] We must tell her.
But that will mean... It is time. Oh yeah, it's about time for the stupid secret, isn't it? (Weak laugh) [Movie] You love him that much? I love him more than my own life! Then we can save him. How can that be? Have you ever wondered who we were, Anastasia? [Phelous] "You know, now that I think about it," "you guys are a little weird!" [Movie] Don't tell her! We'll have to go if you tell her! We are your family, Anastasia! [Beauty gasp] [Movie] I was your mother Alexandra.
Your brother Alexei, your sister Tatiania, and your father, Tsar Nicholas II. You didn't hide it very well, having her call you MOTHER HARP! But yes, there you go! The secret was the Romanovs were turned into musical instruments after they were executed! Just... Keep in mind, these were real people! I just... Wow...
[Phelous] Now that the Romanovs have revealed themselves, they can use their magical healing powers to revive Vladimir before they go. Because, you know, why wouldn't THAT be a thing? (Distressed laugh) You are really seeing this. Some people in the world seriously thought THIS was a good idea. The "Secret of" series: "We put the most asinine twist on any story we touch!" But now, I must reveal MY secret! That's right! I was really Phelous D1 the whole time! Yeah, bringin' THAT one back! Can we just...Not? I'M A MAGICAL BOOM BOX! WHO COULD I BE? (Gasp) It must be the last Tsar of Reviews...
Actually, the real secret is I don't care! DONE! [Outtro music] Oh, Phelous D1, did you turn into a cat AGAIN? You are the worst..
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